We went to a grief group. We meet other families that have suffered a loss, a class for the parents and a separate one for the kids. It was reported to us that the kids are doing very well with verbalizing their feelings. This is good, to prevent the verbalizing of screams we all hear as parents like “he touched me!” or “she is my seat!”… No, the goal is not just verbalizing emotions but being able to label them… and I am thankful that my kids are able to express how they feel. Nathaniel announced at the beginning of his group that “he was here because his baby sister died”. Ailsa said “we wanted to bring her home; it didn’t work out that way, but we will see her in Heaven- I will go there after I die.”

In our group, we were asked what was normal? I have never been to such a group and wondered if we were to stand and “say my name is...” I wondered if there would be tormented crying and I wouldn’t be able to identify with the others in the room. Instead I felt normal among them, I felt that we all understood each other, yet are wise enough to know from our experience that we truly don’t understand exactly how they feel. Grief is so individual, each of us approaches it differently… I, with humor, and prolific journal writing. Nathan is glad for work to go and get in the zone. We all looked normal, no tear soaked faces, no defeated body language…I felt like them, pleased that I was not abnormal in my grief. We all want life to go on, and also resent that it has. The daily world we have to deal in, seems so foreign like we are visiting a strange country with odd customs, all our prior experience has left us ill prepared to understand how others seems so unaffected. There was laughter, there was subtle tears, there was camaraderie. I look forward to next week. The social worker said “Normal is a button on your washing machine.” So, when I meet people who tell me they understand my loss, their cat died or I must be OK because Katelynn was so young—I can smile and say “hey, I am normal everyday”… my laundry is so done!

One month without Katelynn.

Utah is an interesting place, settled by pioneers; they came here to escape religious persecution. This desert home that they came to must have looked so forlorn, barren. My ancestors on my Dad’s side were a part of that migration. They had joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in England, and after death, trials, and hard day after hard day, the promised land for them was this valley—I wonder if dirty, tired and loved ones buried if they didn’t look around them and say, “where was that promised land? Because all I see around me is a dry, desert!” I had learned as a child in Utah history how the pioneers went to planting their food and the trees and building their cities. In the valley all the trees were actually planted by design, the natural landscape will only support trees in the canyons and river areas, but in the valley they were placed by man, not nature. When you go on the mountains and look down, you can see this—I find it fascinating. You can almost feel the toil, the achievement of what they made this valley look like, with labor we can’t really understand in our modern world of conveniences. I have read journals of these pioneers: they are filled with faith. I am humbled by them.

I admit that I didn’t want to come to Utah because I grew up here. Nothing against Utah, but having lived in nine states since graduating from high school I enjoyed the adventure of living out there—my dad is a truck driver and as a kid I found looking into towns as we drove by on the freeway—what do they do, are they happy, why is the couch on the lawn…? I love people. I love meeting new people and everywhere I have lived has enriched my life—so why come to a place I have already been? And when we drove into Utah the desert, looked like a desert, the dry wimpy trees looked sad—I missed the lush trees of New Hampshire.

Now as find myself, feeling akin to those pioneers, I too have buried my child, I too am walking footstep after footstep in faith—I am reminded of the legacy they left behind. God sustains and God is there as we do the little things that seem so insignificant, they matter because each action has an effect on those around us. I never set out to live anything but my quiet little life, a wife, a mother. And yet God has sent me miracles, and when I falter, when I feel I can’t do it, there is a tree planted by the faith of someone else to hold me up. We all leave a mark on the landscape around us.

My brother Val brought a tree the day of Katelynn’s funeral, we all stood around as it was planted. What a beautiful, thoughtful gift it was. I look at that tree as I do something so insignificant as my dishes, and feel how blessed I am. I am a wife, a mother, and the tree is growing. We have had a lot of rain, too much for Utah, but my Katelynn tree with its heart shaped leaves that will bloom pink, is thriving. The rain brings new life to the desert, green… new-- and as my heart grieves, I am strengthened; I am reminded we all have challenges, and we all have loss. What makes us faithful, what makes us strong is not that we don’t cry, but that we choose gratitude-- we remember that work and life all goes on but God is there, and we are each leaving a mark. This valley is full of trees and a hundred years from now my Katelynn tree will stand.

Nathan:
Katelynn's funeral was a week ago. What an emotional day - it truly exhausted me (Nathan). But, it is a day I will always remember. A couple hundred in attendance, all there to celebrate Katelynn's life and join with us in grieving her death. Thanks to all that came, and especially those that helped arrange the details, and prepare the family luncheon. Thanks especially to those that spoke - it was a truly moving service, one that I'll never forget. To honor Katelynn and provide you all, especially those that could not attend, with a taste of the funeral service, below is a portion of my talk.

There is not a question in my mind that Katelynn has spent the time on earth God intended for her. She must be such a special spirit, truly an angel, to have only needed to come to earth for a short time to live in a mortal body. She has faced her challenges and pain with courage, perhaps more than most adults have had muster in live lifetimes, and has fulfilled her mission. Of this I am certain.

More palpable are the effects and blessings she has left on us all through the time we have gotten to know her, as well as through the time we have better gotten to know ourselves and each other. The faith and testimonies have grown of all who have come into contact with Katelynn or her family. Her life has been short and special, but her mission will live on. Leta and I agreed that we would never be the same. Our lives have been forever changed. I hope that you all can share in a measure of that growth and change and that you may feel closer to God for having participated in Katelynn’s life.

I am going to share with you a quote from President Eyring--First Counselor in the Presidency of the L.D.S. Church--during his last General Conference talk that I think is especially applicable to what we have past through. I love what he said, and I think it helps put in perspective Katelynn’s death in our lives, and trials in general, in whatever form they come into yours. He said (quote):

My purpose today is to assure you that our Heavenly Father and the Savior live and that They love all humanity. The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of Their infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the gifts of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and thus be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life.

It is clear that for us to have that gift and to be given that trust, we must be transformed through making righteous choices where that is hard to do. We are prepared for so great a trust by passing through trying and testing experiences in mortality. That education can come only as we are subject to trials while serving God and others for Him.

In this education we experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, the sadness from sin and the joy of forgiveness. That forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which we can only faintly comprehend.

(End quote). Somehow, my sense is that Katelynn knows better than most the pain the Savior suffered for us: she had two heart surgeries and numerous surgical procedures. She was never far from God as the veil has always been so thin around Katelynn. Many who visited her in the hospital have shared with us how they felt such a strong spirit when they visited, and that they left feeling uplifted by that spirit. It has been an honor to have been entrusted by God to be her father during her short sojourn on earth. Leta feels the same in being entrusted to be her mother. We only pray that we fulfilled our roles in her life with valiance, love, and tenderness.

I also wanted to publicly praise my wife for how amazing she has been through our trials: she has been so courageous for so long. Never have I known of someone, except perhaps those I have heard about being tortured in some foreign land, that has been through so much pain and anguish and remained so cheerful and faithful to God. Leta continues to be a strength to me in my times of need and discouragement. We have strengthened each other, and through it all, our marriage has grown stronger and our family grown closer. We could not have survived this as well as we have without our testimonies of the Gospel and eternal families.

Friends and family, I know that God lives. Jesus is the Christ, our Savior. I am so thankful for the sealing power of the His Priesthood that makes it possible for us to be sealed as a family. Katelynn was born into our family within this sealing power; we know that we will be an eternal family and be rejoined with her in the next life. Elder Scott during the last conference shared a very tender experience in his life similar to what we have been through in which he lost a son after a heart surgery (quote):

We do not need to worry, because our children were born in the covenant. We have the assurance that we will have them with us in the future. Now we have a reason to live extremely well. We have a son and a daughter who have qualified to go to the celestial kingdom because they died before the age of eight. That knowledge has given us great comfort. We rejoice in the knowledge that all seven of our children are sealed to us for time and all eternity.

(end quote). We, too, rejoice in the knowledge that we will have all our children sealed to us for eternity. Leta and I talked about this last week, and we think we will have 4-5 children welcome us when we pass, and we will recognize Katelynn and she will lead us into their loving arms. I look forward to that day. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Leta:
I had to share the care of her, and now I share the memories of her with all that loved her. I realize she has had an impact beyond what most of us would expect for a small baby. I myself am not a baby lover, I love kids when they can talk I think they are a riot—yet when I look at my babies, when I held my first baby my heart grew beyond reason, I loved that baby so much. I lost that baby at just a few months of pregnancy. Science would call it a fetus, for me it would have been my child. I love my children with words I cant find-- those of us that are blessed to be parents, and pardon me men, we women love in a way unique. Once that child is in your arms, once it is yours if labor that brought it you or not it is yours—you understand the term “mother bear”. When Nathaniel my sixth pregnancy and now my six year old son, when I first held him a fear of wanting to be good enough for him, good enough mother, good enough person, I prayed not to screw him up and fail in some substantial way—with Ailsa my now four year old I feared the path ahead of her, being a girl is hard, being a woman is complicated, was I the woman to guide her safely? Now, I find myself asking what is my role for Katelynn, to think has a mother my role is just to wait, is unacceptable. There is purpose in every pain of life and for this grief, we will celebrate that we have known Katelynn. There are many who she has touched and as I have felt her touch me, literally, emotionally, figuratively and spiritually since her passing—I, her mother want to continue to share what I am learning. For those of you who know me I am not a computer person, I actually don’t really type, and I don’t really like to share with the world my deep feelings but here, I am sharing one of the most sacred experiences of my life, my daughter Katelynn with all of you. It was and is how I can honor the role I have been given, that of mother, mother to Katelynn and mother to Nathaniel and Ailsa. The role of parenthood is a role beyond any human capacity, it is the work of God and each of us are to do the best we can at it—I am doing my best that I know how and the day I buried my daughter, and a piece of my heart lay with her, I cant just leave it there, it is not in the ground with a body of my infant daughter-- it is around me. Before my eyes are the two that I have been blessed to keep here to raise. I have Katelynn waiting for me and I can’t mess up these two. So here to the rest of my life and to each of you moms out there let us continue in the task before us with a greater commitment to do the work we have been entrusted.