Meeting Katelynn

A month ago, she sat me at lunch
I told her, "your name means pure."
Casual in youth, she not impressed.
I wondering if granted the time
Would my baby girl resemble her?

Two weeks ago, she danced openly
Toddling back to her mother, both
Checking for closeness to each other.
My own brown haired little one,
Far from my motherly gaze, embrace.

Now an angel, she too dances, free.
Reminders, not needed to my heart
Surround me of her, what could be,
And what is, stark when compared.
Adjusting to the reality before me.

Today, a week from now will come
Life calls, mercifully pulling me on.
I will met other Katelynn's and each
Will touch a living wound... All remind
Hearts ache and gratitude for her.

By Leta Greene

Katelynn's funeral. It seems odd to put those words together. Yet with all the planning, I shouldn't be so surprised... perhaps telling myself as I did flower arrangements that I was doing them for Katelynn's wedding was not as cleaver coping skill as I thought. Truly the funeral was beautiful I want to thank everyone for the work, the thoughtfulness and love that was extended to us it is overwhelming. To know how many people love Katelynn is comforting and adds to my strength and motivation to carry on her legacy. Thank you.

People ask me how I am. I don’t know what to say. I have never done this before, I am not an expert. Perhaps I am doing it all wrong? I can only do grieving in the way I know how, in the way I think Katelynn would want, with each passing day, each moment she is with me-- I am comforted by her presence. With laughter, with tears, she is there. For the days she was with us, I left the house by 2:00 if not earlier-- Each day that 2pm comes, my internal clock says it is time to go, I feel torn. Now instead of torn between the hospital and home I feel torn between earth and heaven. There is a quote by CS Lewis, I hope you will forgive me in paraphrasing, he speaks of how everyone you have ever meet is an eternal being having a mortal experience, each of us as a touch of the divine. I love this, the homeless bum, the grumpy guy down the street, your friend.. each of us are here torn from our first home. Our home with God, we have to choose to return.

Now when grief seems to over power me, late at night, no activity to distract no immediate needs required of me-- I think of that home, the home I left before my birth, the home my daughter now waits for me and all those who love her-- her brother, sister, father, each of us... and I feel homesick, I feel determined to once again regain my rightful place as a daughter of God. I have an extra motivation and I know her name it is Katelynn. And when sleep should be, and tears come.. I also find gratitude for meeting an angel and holding her hand. She waits for me, she waits for each of us... what will we choose? I can't think of anything I love more than my family, can you?

There will be a viewing right before the funeral service from 9am to 9:40am. From 9:40 to 10am will be a family prayer and we invite our extended families to join us.

I imagine a field—the aroma of the outdoors overwhelms me. I combine in this image all the most beautiful scenes I have witnessed—I imagine Katelynn there now as she joins those I love whom I have lost, the children I lost in pregnancy. She stands among them now in all her regality she has earned in living not just a noble life, but in the divinity she brought with her when she came to join our family. We were unsuspecting of the miracle that was coming to us, she has changed us forever--we are thankful.

When I was a kid there was this spot on the front lawn where we had pulled out a small tree, it left a void in the ground, the grass grew and hid the spot, but when you ran in the yard you would find it. Sometimes it hurt a little when hit at the wrong angle… I learned to avoid that divot in the lawn. Life is full of things like that: I learned to avoid them. We learn areas that will bring us pain such as bad choices that will hurt us. We are human and as we gain wisdom, we guide ourselves through our lives, we all do the best we can. Yet there are painful situations you can’t avoid and given the choice would you? The last 54 days with all that pain, the worry and the emptiness that now will be with me the rest of my life, I would not have avoided the pain that came with bringing Katelynn into our lives and into our hearts. We are changed forever, and I don’t want to be the same person I was: we have been changed for the better. So going back to my beautiful field where I imagine Katelynn now plays, runs and laughs—pain free. She misses us, but she is visiting so often, last night as I lay in bed, more tired than I have ever been. my motherly arms aching. I felt comforted—and sleep came.

In every field there are rocks, they hide among the flowers and lush grasses—at times running through the field we may stub our toes. If you dig around the rock, you will find more rocks, and under them it is dark and dirty— these are my angry spots. They can hurt me if I decide to run into them with each step. If I fixate on them, dig around them, I will make them bigger. Instead, I look at them tucked in amongst all the beauty of my field with Katelynn, and label them for what they are. I hate that time was so short, I hate that I have physical problems from my pregnancy that will outlast my daughter's mortal life. As hard as these things are, they could only be avoided if I choose not to get pregnant with what became my girl, my baby. Yes, there are things in life we can choose in wisdom to avoid, but there are things that, given all the wisdom of God, are placed before us, and are to be embraced. So, my beautiful field remains, the rocks of anger will be there, but I will not dig around them letting the dirt around them stain my fingers. I will remember how they are tucked in so tightly—if I examine them enough, and dig them up, I will have to tear out the beautiful green around them. The trick in life is to see our hurt spots and not let them fester: tearing at them destroys the good around them. Yes, I am angry that my daughter has been taken from me, I am angry I have to hold my crying four-year-old as she cries for her sister to ‘live with us, now.” But in order to remove them from my field would be to remove the good. But the good is too sweet and it is an eternal joy that I will work the rest of my life to savor and the greatest part will then be-- living eternally, together as a family.

Katelynn's Funeral will be this Saturday May 30th at 10amLDS Church meetinghouse at 11685 Kestrel Rise Rd. South Jordan Utah 84095

First, Saturday the temple open house we explained the eternal nature of our family that we would be a family forever. “Jesus has a wonderful plan, he wants us to be happy and we can only be happy if we choose to follow Jesus. In the temple, which has the feeling of Heaven, where Mommy and Daddy were married we made promises to Heavenly Father that make it possible for us to live with Katelynn forever.” Ailsa in all the perfection of childhood, told one of her class friends, whom we ran into at the open house, that her sister is going to go live with Heavenly Father. Why do we adults make it so complicated? Why do we doubt? We have tasted of heaven, and Katelynn got a taste of the Greene home. We succeeded in bringing some of the chaos, "Bolt" was watched, crafts were made, surgical gloves made into balloons flew around the room and Katelynn loved it all. From the time we got to the hospice room, at 11am Saturday until she passed at 6:30 pm Sunday, she was held in our arms. She slept cuddled into me, Saturday night -- I had promised her that she wouldn’t have to go back into her hospital bed, and our amazing nurses, Wendi, Katie and Lousia were more than happy to accommodate us. Sunday, the kids having slept at home, and Nathan and I on a little hospital bed with our precious Pearl sleeping with us. Sunday, many friends and family came to celebrate Katelynn, it was wonderful to see all the love people feel for her. It is not just us who will miss her terribly. It was a brief 35 minutes that Katelynn lived here without machines adding her breath, her passing was peaceful and sacred. As I held Katelynn tenderly against my chest as a baby is meant to be held, without wires and tubes, Nathan held me. We looked at her and she at us and when she left our arms for God's we felt gratitude, peace and sorrow. Her body, which caused her such pain, I feel so much tenderness for because it housed a soul with so much strength. As Katie (her nurse) and I cleaned Katelynn's little battered body I thought of Christ and how it was the women who prepared His body. The gift that Christ gave makes every pain I bear at her passing have purpose and meaning. I am a mother to an angel.

Children like things to be fair, a couple of years ago I began telling Nathaniel that ‘life isn’t fair.” He would reply back, “that isn’t a word”. The last few hours I have thought about that, what did his little mind mean? Because at this time, I catch myself thinking about the fairness of life, life isn’t fair and I am glad. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the pain we are now feeling, but I wouldn’t want to not have had Katelynn—if life were fair, there would be so much pain we could all avoid but also so much joy. And Katelynn is joy, and having had her will bring us more joy than the pain we now feel. She will always be a part of our family. We want this to be a good experience for Nathaniel and Ailsa although it is deeply painful, they have given so much to Katelynn. Children are quick to love and they too loved her before she was born. I talked to a child grief councilor; he says the kids are doing well. We have planned a special day; first. we are taking the kids to the temple open house. There we can show them a piece of heaven, we are a family forever and Katelynn will always watch over us. Then we head to the hospital to spend the rest of the day as a family, all five of us. We will be in a hospice room off of the NICU. Nathaniel wants Katelynn to see the movie ‘Bolt” and Ailsa wants to hold Katelynn. The nurse will place Katelynn’s mat on the floor that will be surrounded by mats for us—we can pretend we are at home on the bed, just having something normal. For those who would like to meet Katelynn, that time will be Sunday morning. Nathan and I will spend the night at the hospital, and when we are ready Katelynn will return to her Father in Heaven.

We will post the funeral information once we decide-- it will probably be friday or saturday. First we are just a family of five laying around together enjoying a typical saturday...

Faith, doesn’t get us around hard times, it doesn’t help us avoid them—I don’t believe that given a certain amount of faith we will get what we want, given enough faith, we will endure the challenges before us. Faith will get us through not around—faith will help us to see God’s hand. Each of us will be tested in life, Katelynn’s life has been all about Faith. She has endured more than most and has done so with the courage that inspires all of us. She has sustained me, she has comforted me and when I am with her I feel God close. Her bedside has heard more laughter than tears. The first time I went in to the NICU. I promised myself that she would hear joy, I have had the privilege of being with her everyday--that has been my honor. I believe that God will not challenge us greater than we have the capacity to endure. Now as we face an unbearable hole in our lives, we know that others have been carried by God in their trials and now He carries us, He carries each of us if we ask Him. Katelynn was born with many problems, those problems are not totally fixable, and now they are literally causing her body to shut down. She cannot continue to be sustained by medical intervention, the rate in which she is loosing her platelets, plasma transfusions and protein her little body cannot continue. Her heart has enlarged, which we hoped that through the surgeries she had last week, would become smaller, it has not. The muscles of the heart are so stretched out they cannot do their job, this is called heart failure. Her chest is literally all heart. Doctors don’t see much they can do, and so they are allowing us a very special time as a family on Saturday with Katelynn, since she wont be able to come home as has been our hope-- we will take home to her. We are thankful beyond words can express, to know that Katelynn will always be a part of our family and when we die. Katelynn will be there to embrace us with a perfect body. Katelynn shed the first tear I have ever seen her have on Sunday—she has fought a good fight and she has been true to her name she has kept the faith.

3:30 PM
The rollercoaster analogy fits here-- it appears that Katelynn's PDA in her heart (which closes after birth) has opened up pushing blood that should be going into the gut but is going back into the lungs. This could explain why she wasn't breathing well and why she has an infection in her gut-- not good profusion of the flow of blood. So they are saying they may need to go back in-- another heart surgery, a step that would have to happen before a chance at Katelynn's having a life out of the hospital. I am on the rollercoaster hoping the saftey bar is holding tight.

10am
Things are better--Sunday Katelynn was critical unstable, which is as bad as it gets, getting through the night was a miracle-- now Katelynn critical serious she would have to take two steps back to be where she was-- I am trying to breathe again-- Katelynn didn't tolerate being weaned from her ventilator, at the same time that she got a serious NEC infection. She was bleeding from her mouth and nose for several hours, her hemodynamicly (heart rate and blood pressure) dopamine, epinephrine were keeping her heart going and the vent to move the lungs-- that is life support. Now she is off epinephrine and they are giving her less and less dopamine. And they are going to start weaning her on the vent. The anitbotic is working for the NEC infection... she is holding her platelets better. We are going to a better place on the ride that we are on-- God has made a miracle happen and we are hoping once again that we may get to take her home, we pray that she will continue to get better and we can have something "normal" and enjoy the time we are alloted with our precious Katelynn. Thank you for your prayers!

9:30 a.m.
This is Nathan - I went home last night, and again left Leta alone with Katelynn, and with her grief. We were back on the phone again as I was tucking the kids in for bed. Ailsa could not stand to be away from her mother and was almost unconsolable. I cannot imagine how hard this has been on Leta - to be torn between two locations to be a mommy to all three of our children, and feeling inadequate because she simply cannot cloan herself. Thanks goodness for the help from friends and family. I feel so grateful to have Leta - as you can witness from the below, she is amazingly strong and I wanted to publicly let her know how much I love and appreciate her. You are my hero - you are amazing. Hang in there - God knows our needs and has been walking by our side.

1 am
I kept asking every doctor, nurse, attending, fellow, respiratory therapist, “will she really not be able to breath without the respirator?” Hoping each would give me a different answer. None did. I feel the rollercoaster of hope climbing with each passing hour, Katelynn could surprise us, but then she lays here still recovering septic, medicated, machines and transfusions keeping her alive-- I can still see her as she was last night, the pain she was in, the platelets, her bleeding and find my own strength far gone months ago and know that God still holds me, I remind myself of the eternities. I hold her hand, Katelynn squeezed back—she is still fighting. My little girl so physically cheated by her body has the soul of God. She reminds me, rejuvenates me, and I can’t imagine life without her, as I can’t without any of my children. I want Katelynn to talk to me and tell me what she wants. We don’t want her to suffer any more but I am too selfish to utter the words, to let her go. Is she here until I can accept the Father’s will? She is teaching me, she teaches us all and I am thankful to be her mother and afraid of my own weakness. I am once again trying to find sleep in exhaustion— the twin bed of the parent sleep rooms, they really should move these into the rooms of the patients—I would then not have to fight the temptation to go be with her, it is good to be close.

As parents you never have enough time - the last 48 days have not been enough. We got a call when we got home from church. All I could remember was “prepare yourself”. Fortunately Raquel had previously offered to take the kids, to give Nathan and I the rare chance to spend some extended time with the Katelynn together-- which I was so thankful for, now even more as it is clear God has everything arranged. I am so thankful for my friend following the prompting. All I had to do was keep my voice calm and Nathaniel and Ailsa were out the door cheerfully on their way. Nathan and I drove to the hospital. Katelynn has another infection, she is in very bad shape—we were told to take it hour by hour. It looks like Katelynn will never be able to breath on her own and feedings are not being tolerated. She is comfortable with medication but may not make it through the night. We took shifts. Time with Katelynn here on earth is very limited now, any parent knows the love one feels for a child. Our hearts are breaking yet we also know that Katelynn is a miracle and we are thankful for time.

We have spent the time since leaving the hospital on the go, the boys went camping and the girls did special girl time. Ailsa was able to spend some quality time with Katelynn today, she has been needing some sister time… and it was a beautiful thing to see, and so stinking cute! Hopefully this will help Ailsa be more patient with Mommy being gone. The kids are real troopers.

I spent last night at home, Nathan made me! After 60 hours at the hospital, it felt like I was emerging from a bubble. It is was a gift from all of those who have made it possible for me to be with Katelynn, thank you. Talking with her nurse. Katelynn hasn't woken up yet. I want her to have her mommy when she does. Katelynn's nurses from the NICU went to visit her this morning, I am sure Katelynn liked the familiar voices around her. I miss my baby girl.

The hardest part about leaving the hospital was the fear that Katelynn would wake up and I wouldn't be there, she would be in a new place (the PICU) and surrounded by nurses she didn't know her whole life has been in the NICU. God is very kind and one of His tender mercies happened today. About ten minutes after I went to Katelynn. she did a little head jiggle (hello, 'Princes Bride' fans) and looked right at me. Her heart rate calmed and we held hands until I had to leave. She knows her mommy is there for her, I am so thankful that her first look around after her surgeries she saw her mom. Her kidneys and liver are not stabalizing as they should, but we will know more after some more tests are run - everything in time.

After Katelynn's second heart sugery in 36 hours, they have two nurses assigned to her-- by 12pm one nurse was reassigned, as she is moving, finally, in the right directon. I went to bed around 1:30am. Her kidneys, which had been headed towards kidney failure are improving in thier function. Brian and Wendy, the nurses, high fived each other when the numbers came back improved-- we love nurses who are emotionally involved with our little girl-- we sure are! I miss the NICU and the nurses Louisa, Linda and Katie-- who know Katelynn so well. There is a story about how having a baby is like planning a trip to Italy, when the unexpected happens it is like being detoured to Holland-- both are nice places but you will see and do different things-- I joke that now I am in Bagdad. I hope for my plane to take me to a different location.

Another hard day, for Katelynn and for us. Nathan came up to bring me my clothes and hygiene items since I stayed the night in a hospice sleeping room off the PICU. The day shift nurse did not communicate well the seriousness of Katelynn's condition as she kept giving her potassium for her acidosis. Later in the afternoon, the surgery team decided that they needed to go back in to tighten the PA band and insert a catheter into her stomach cavity to extract all the fluid build up that the kidneys were not processing to eliminate. I was getting so worried and cried - I love Katelynn so much and want more time with her. Tonight, after the surgery, they said that she came through it all right, that they extracted 500-600cc of fluid from her abdomen, which is going to help her a lot. There is less pressure on the kidneys, and hopefully they can function better. They also got the band to a better tighteness consistent with a baby of her size, so hopefully we'll see better results in blood pumping effeciency and breathing. I am spending the night at the hospital again - thanks to my wonderful husband for keeping things rolling at home and me in clean clothes.

Katelynn has had a hard day, she is pulling through like the little warrior she is. After surgery she was taken to the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit), it is a different world from the world Katelynn has known for the last 42 days of life. Unlike the NICU which is care for just newborns, here children of all ages are treated. In the bed next to Katelynn is a little girl just younger than Ailsa who cries, often, loudly. and with each cry I want to comfort her as I would Ailsa. Katelynn’s return from surgery has been busy, very intense. I am sleeping up here to be close to her and will return back to our “routine” when we know that Katelynn is stable. I am the lucky one who could remain here to be with Katelynn. We have my Mom, Candace Holt and Pia watch the kids. I know it broke Nathan’s heart to not be here pacing the hospital with me watching each development with our little girl, and so let me publicly praise him for going to work and keeping the long term welfare of our family in his mind, as he does always. Tonight, his first question after leaving Katelynn’s bedside, and before he goes home to put the other two to sleep was of concern for me. Thank you Nathan and kiss Nathaniel and Ailsa for me

I was going to have to let loose the wrath of Leta if the doctors and surgeons did not move forward with the pulmonary artery (PA) band, which was scheduled for tomorrow. Due to a urinary tract infection, that was going to be delayed. Today, we were told that it will indeed happen tomorrow morning - we are to be at the hospital at 6:30 a.m. to discuss with the doctors, sign consent forms, etc. Please pray for Katelynn that she will pull through. Thanks for all of your love and prayers you have put forth for her thus far. We feel good about this surgery, and know it is necessary for her progress to coming home.

BEST MOTHERS DAY EVER! Got to have all of my children together! They moved Katelynn to a hospice room and we got to spend two hours as a family, it was beautiful, amazing and made this mommy cry. Katelynn is forty days old and this is the first time her brother and sister have gotten to meet her.

I just approved another spinal tap, this will be Katelynn's fourth. She has an elevated temperature and may need to go back on antibiotics, which she has been off of for just two days, this could postpone the surgery. She is such a tough little girl, takes all the poking so well. I look forward to being with her this afternoon, I am thankful to Nathan and how hard he works that provides the resources, so that I can daily spend hours with Katelynn.

The surgery will be on Tuesday. It feels good to have a plan for Katelynn's treatment. We know that all the prayers have helped to move things forward. They are going to let the kids meet Katelynn in a special room away from the NICU. They are so excited, Ailsa can't wait to hold her sister and Nathaniel said, "for real?!" Pictures just are not as good as the real thing; sorry for all of you who haven't met her but for those that have, you will agree!

The Cinco de Mayo has brought us one step closer to bringing our precious girl home. After much delay on the part of the cardiologist team (what emergency?), we were informed right before we had to leave the NICU this evening that they recommend a pulmonary artery (PA) band. Because of her double outlet, right ventricle condition, the blood pumped by the heart is taking the path of least resistance: to the lungs. Her lungs are becoming overfilled, and thus stiff, with blood while the heart is insufficiently pumping to the body, which is contributing to bad kidney function. The AP band should increase pressure of blood flow to the lungs, thereby increasing blood flow to the body. The surgery is much less risky then opening her heart up to repair the defects therein, and will be an interim solution to get her off the ventilator and allow us to take her home to fatten her up. In the future, assuming she grows and improves, she could qualify for the full heart surgery that would require the heart and lung machine. We are encouraged and look forward to doing what we can so that she can progress. We want to take her home to feel more like a normal family and allow the kids to get to know her.

The Hands of God

New to us, She holds my finger
Kisses on her forehead, her palm.
Whispered tender words of love
Gently arranged in her place.

Turning to leave, not the nursery
Prepared in anticipation for birth,
This is a place of healing, a hospital,
Not my home—not her room…

A piece of me remains behind..
Hands that have been blessed
Tend to my delicate, tender angel,
Her needs attended by another.

Absences keenly felt, grinds my heart.
He who holds me in grief, fear, pain
Must hold her in our separation.
Imagining her held by Him, soothes.

Thoughts of life, possible death…
Leaving her now a foreshadowing?
God’s Hands—my hands, my home?
Or His? Trust mingles with hope.

God’s Hands holds each, if we allow.
Picture in my mind sees her, my angel,
Here on earth, pain free, home.
Holding images of us, all, forever.

By Leta Greene