Meeting Katelynn

A month ago, she sat me at lunch
I told her, "your name means pure."
Casual in youth, she not impressed.
I wondering if granted the time
Would my baby girl resemble her?

Two weeks ago, she danced openly
Toddling back to her mother, both
Checking for closeness to each other.
My own brown haired little one,
Far from my motherly gaze, embrace.

Now an angel, she too dances, free.
Reminders, not needed to my heart
Surround me of her, what could be,
And what is, stark when compared.
Adjusting to the reality before me.

Today, a week from now will come
Life calls, mercifully pulling me on.
I will met other Katelynn's and each
Will touch a living wound... All remind
Hearts ache and gratitude for her.

By Leta Greene

Katelynn's funeral. It seems odd to put those words together. Yet with all the planning, I shouldn't be so surprised... perhaps telling myself as I did flower arrangements that I was doing them for Katelynn's wedding was not as cleaver coping skill as I thought. Truly the funeral was beautiful I want to thank everyone for the work, the thoughtfulness and love that was extended to us it is overwhelming. To know how many people love Katelynn is comforting and adds to my strength and motivation to carry on her legacy. Thank you.

People ask me how I am. I don’t know what to say. I have never done this before, I am not an expert. Perhaps I am doing it all wrong? I can only do grieving in the way I know how, in the way I think Katelynn would want, with each passing day, each moment she is with me-- I am comforted by her presence. With laughter, with tears, she is there. For the days she was with us, I left the house by 2:00 if not earlier-- Each day that 2pm comes, my internal clock says it is time to go, I feel torn. Now instead of torn between the hospital and home I feel torn between earth and heaven. There is a quote by CS Lewis, I hope you will forgive me in paraphrasing, he speaks of how everyone you have ever meet is an eternal being having a mortal experience, each of us as a touch of the divine. I love this, the homeless bum, the grumpy guy down the street, your friend.. each of us are here torn from our first home. Our home with God, we have to choose to return.

Now when grief seems to over power me, late at night, no activity to distract no immediate needs required of me-- I think of that home, the home I left before my birth, the home my daughter now waits for me and all those who love her-- her brother, sister, father, each of us... and I feel homesick, I feel determined to once again regain my rightful place as a daughter of God. I have an extra motivation and I know her name it is Katelynn. And when sleep should be, and tears come.. I also find gratitude for meeting an angel and holding her hand. She waits for me, she waits for each of us... what will we choose? I can't think of anything I love more than my family, can you?

There will be a viewing right before the funeral service from 9am to 9:40am. From 9:40 to 10am will be a family prayer and we invite our extended families to join us.

I imagine a field—the aroma of the outdoors overwhelms me. I combine in this image all the most beautiful scenes I have witnessed—I imagine Katelynn there now as she joins those I love whom I have lost, the children I lost in pregnancy. She stands among them now in all her regality she has earned in living not just a noble life, but in the divinity she brought with her when she came to join our family. We were unsuspecting of the miracle that was coming to us, she has changed us forever--we are thankful.

When I was a kid there was this spot on the front lawn where we had pulled out a small tree, it left a void in the ground, the grass grew and hid the spot, but when you ran in the yard you would find it. Sometimes it hurt a little when hit at the wrong angle… I learned to avoid that divot in the lawn. Life is full of things like that: I learned to avoid them. We learn areas that will bring us pain such as bad choices that will hurt us. We are human and as we gain wisdom, we guide ourselves through our lives, we all do the best we can. Yet there are painful situations you can’t avoid and given the choice would you? The last 54 days with all that pain, the worry and the emptiness that now will be with me the rest of my life, I would not have avoided the pain that came with bringing Katelynn into our lives and into our hearts. We are changed forever, and I don’t want to be the same person I was: we have been changed for the better. So going back to my beautiful field where I imagine Katelynn now plays, runs and laughs—pain free. She misses us, but she is visiting so often, last night as I lay in bed, more tired than I have ever been. my motherly arms aching. I felt comforted—and sleep came.

In every field there are rocks, they hide among the flowers and lush grasses—at times running through the field we may stub our toes. If you dig around the rock, you will find more rocks, and under them it is dark and dirty— these are my angry spots. They can hurt me if I decide to run into them with each step. If I fixate on them, dig around them, I will make them bigger. Instead, I look at them tucked in amongst all the beauty of my field with Katelynn, and label them for what they are. I hate that time was so short, I hate that I have physical problems from my pregnancy that will outlast my daughter's mortal life. As hard as these things are, they could only be avoided if I choose not to get pregnant with what became my girl, my baby. Yes, there are things in life we can choose in wisdom to avoid, but there are things that, given all the wisdom of God, are placed before us, and are to be embraced. So, my beautiful field remains, the rocks of anger will be there, but I will not dig around them letting the dirt around them stain my fingers. I will remember how they are tucked in so tightly—if I examine them enough, and dig them up, I will have to tear out the beautiful green around them. The trick in life is to see our hurt spots and not let them fester: tearing at them destroys the good around them. Yes, I am angry that my daughter has been taken from me, I am angry I have to hold my crying four-year-old as she cries for her sister to ‘live with us, now.” But in order to remove them from my field would be to remove the good. But the good is too sweet and it is an eternal joy that I will work the rest of my life to savor and the greatest part will then be-- living eternally, together as a family.

Katelynn's Funeral will be this Saturday May 30th at 10amLDS Church meetinghouse at 11685 Kestrel Rise Rd. South Jordan Utah 84095

First, Saturday the temple open house we explained the eternal nature of our family that we would be a family forever. “Jesus has a wonderful plan, he wants us to be happy and we can only be happy if we choose to follow Jesus. In the temple, which has the feeling of Heaven, where Mommy and Daddy were married we made promises to Heavenly Father that make it possible for us to live with Katelynn forever.” Ailsa in all the perfection of childhood, told one of her class friends, whom we ran into at the open house, that her sister is going to go live with Heavenly Father. Why do we adults make it so complicated? Why do we doubt? We have tasted of heaven, and Katelynn got a taste of the Greene home. We succeeded in bringing some of the chaos, "Bolt" was watched, crafts were made, surgical gloves made into balloons flew around the room and Katelynn loved it all. From the time we got to the hospice room, at 11am Saturday until she passed at 6:30 pm Sunday, she was held in our arms. She slept cuddled into me, Saturday night -- I had promised her that she wouldn’t have to go back into her hospital bed, and our amazing nurses, Wendi, Katie and Lousia were more than happy to accommodate us. Sunday, the kids having slept at home, and Nathan and I on a little hospital bed with our precious Pearl sleeping with us. Sunday, many friends and family came to celebrate Katelynn, it was wonderful to see all the love people feel for her. It is not just us who will miss her terribly. It was a brief 35 minutes that Katelynn lived here without machines adding her breath, her passing was peaceful and sacred. As I held Katelynn tenderly against my chest as a baby is meant to be held, without wires and tubes, Nathan held me. We looked at her and she at us and when she left our arms for God's we felt gratitude, peace and sorrow. Her body, which caused her such pain, I feel so much tenderness for because it housed a soul with so much strength. As Katie (her nurse) and I cleaned Katelynn's little battered body I thought of Christ and how it was the women who prepared His body. The gift that Christ gave makes every pain I bear at her passing have purpose and meaning. I am a mother to an angel.

Children like things to be fair, a couple of years ago I began telling Nathaniel that ‘life isn’t fair.” He would reply back, “that isn’t a word”. The last few hours I have thought about that, what did his little mind mean? Because at this time, I catch myself thinking about the fairness of life, life isn’t fair and I am glad. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the pain we are now feeling, but I wouldn’t want to not have had Katelynn—if life were fair, there would be so much pain we could all avoid but also so much joy. And Katelynn is joy, and having had her will bring us more joy than the pain we now feel. She will always be a part of our family. We want this to be a good experience for Nathaniel and Ailsa although it is deeply painful, they have given so much to Katelynn. Children are quick to love and they too loved her before she was born. I talked to a child grief councilor; he says the kids are doing well. We have planned a special day; first. we are taking the kids to the temple open house. There we can show them a piece of heaven, we are a family forever and Katelynn will always watch over us. Then we head to the hospital to spend the rest of the day as a family, all five of us. We will be in a hospice room off of the NICU. Nathaniel wants Katelynn to see the movie ‘Bolt” and Ailsa wants to hold Katelynn. The nurse will place Katelynn’s mat on the floor that will be surrounded by mats for us—we can pretend we are at home on the bed, just having something normal. For those who would like to meet Katelynn, that time will be Sunday morning. Nathan and I will spend the night at the hospital, and when we are ready Katelynn will return to her Father in Heaven.

We will post the funeral information once we decide-- it will probably be friday or saturday. First we are just a family of five laying around together enjoying a typical saturday...

Faith, doesn’t get us around hard times, it doesn’t help us avoid them—I don’t believe that given a certain amount of faith we will get what we want, given enough faith, we will endure the challenges before us. Faith will get us through not around—faith will help us to see God’s hand. Each of us will be tested in life, Katelynn’s life has been all about Faith. She has endured more than most and has done so with the courage that inspires all of us. She has sustained me, she has comforted me and when I am with her I feel God close. Her bedside has heard more laughter than tears. The first time I went in to the NICU. I promised myself that she would hear joy, I have had the privilege of being with her everyday--that has been my honor. I believe that God will not challenge us greater than we have the capacity to endure. Now as we face an unbearable hole in our lives, we know that others have been carried by God in their trials and now He carries us, He carries each of us if we ask Him. Katelynn was born with many problems, those problems are not totally fixable, and now they are literally causing her body to shut down. She cannot continue to be sustained by medical intervention, the rate in which she is loosing her platelets, plasma transfusions and protein her little body cannot continue. Her heart has enlarged, which we hoped that through the surgeries she had last week, would become smaller, it has not. The muscles of the heart are so stretched out they cannot do their job, this is called heart failure. Her chest is literally all heart. Doctors don’t see much they can do, and so they are allowing us a very special time as a family on Saturday with Katelynn, since she wont be able to come home as has been our hope-- we will take home to her. We are thankful beyond words can express, to know that Katelynn will always be a part of our family and when we die. Katelynn will be there to embrace us with a perfect body. Katelynn shed the first tear I have ever seen her have on Sunday—she has fought a good fight and she has been true to her name she has kept the faith.