Friday, September 11, 2009

To say I feel sick today earache, throat, cold…would be an understatement—the irony of that has not escaped me—September 10th, the day that in my mind-- my life, my health, my mobility-- it all changed. It was when I figured out that the next few months of pregnancy were going to be very hard, very long—I had to change the activity of my life drastically and I had to pick a winning attitude—because I told myself, “little girl you have a long fight..” I thought then of the physical that I would have to endure the coming months loomed large—I had no idea the strength required to pull me, us through what was to come. I have since come to see the hand of mercy in it being so hard – we all pulled together as a family in such a way, each of us straining to do more than the normal, more than the expected, more than— each of us and I don’t refer to just Nathan and myself. Nathaniel and Ailsa, too, were magnified. We were being prepared to greet Katelynn, to embrace her for not only what she was to be, but for what time we had—no asking why, no anger, no regret—just an eternal perspective.
So to be sick today is ironic and brings with it the perspective gained by not only surviving, enduring well and above all gratitude. God carried me through months of physical pain I still can’t wrap my mind around, and carried us through the greatest challenge of my mortal life—loosing time now, here with my child. I am amazed we survived; I am amazed by Katelynn-- her strength, her presence. I am filled with gratitude to God, beyond gratitude I have ever felt. I wish I could find the words, as I look back—the pain of it so intense, I have not yet found time to dull the hurt of not having Katelynn. In some ways the intensity of it grows—but that said; for all the hurt I feel, the missing her, the aching I am grateful. Grateful for the strength God gave me, to live her life with no regret. To be honored to have time with her, it is funny how I both resent times passage and want it to be slower. I am grateful to know God’s strength, comfort and promises really are enough to calm the worst pain—pain that when I would think of my child dying, to think of my child suffering, the human mind just stops. It can’t imagine it, can’t cope—God really does hold us, and sooths. He isn’t fooling us, He means what He says—I don’t just believe Him now—I know it. And I am grateful for that.
So a year ago today, I thought I had it rough, sick, hurting and months of pain before me—little did I know I was being worked over to hold an angel. I am walking now, have been for over a week without a cane—it feels good very good. If the price of being Katelynn’s mom were that the cane and I were always a pair—it would be worth it to know Katelynn and taste of the goodness, the strength of God. So in perspective, I have an earache, sore throat and a cold—I have endured worse--and as I say that I laugh a little laugh of irony… isn’t that funny? Why am I the only one laughing?