“After a while, though the grief did not go away from us, it grew quiet. What had seemed a storm wailing through the entire darkness seemed to come in at last and lie down.” Jayber Crow

Grief. It is a lonely feeling. It has been our companion. Grief’s emotional tirades would be easier to deal with if you could visit it. It would be the funny/ quirky relation that you make a visit to out of obligation. Unfortunately grief never leaves you alone; it’s constant pecking for attention leaves you exhausted. You knew when Grief came to live with you that it would be an ordeal to exist with this demanding person. But then what choice do you have? I have heard others speak of its nature, how they knew someone who Grief lived with, how they turned to diversion, to depression they lost it. I wonder why I am told these stories of those who Grief destroyed. I see those who have never had Grief tell me how I should act, how I should feel. This too baffles me. Do they know how demanding a houseguest Grief to be? They don’t. They reveal their ignorance by claiming to have the answers. Those of us who know Grief’s temperament, can say it all without saying words. Ripping ourselves from Grief never works—he hunts you. You must make life with Grief - you must make him a place and move forward. He will tug at you every second, in every conversation and in every moment of laughter. He will tell you that joy is a betrayal. He will tell you many things that speak to every pain, as he knows them intimately because he lives with you. He knows when you are down and pulls at the heart twisting it out of some pleasure he derives. The lady that once said to me, “Do you ever wonder why some babies live and others die?” while she loving caresses her beautiful child, Grief in his sense of irony brings us together often. Grief is twisted by nature and he can twist those who live with him. So in making my place a heaven with Grief living here too is not an easy balance. After all that Grief is capable of doing, I still have a choice. I still have a choice as to how I will respond. It is not easy but it is necessary, it is crucial to not only my own survival but also to that of my family. Choice. I have that power and I am not alone despites Grief’s demands. I have my covenants, the love of a Godly man and my Savior who shares the burden, who really does all the clean up from Grief’s messes. He too has felt Grief beyond anything I can understand and the worst kind - the eternal kind. Our visitor Grief can only hurt us here, now as we miss the simple moments we so wanted—the Grief that our Savior knows is why I must work so hard not to know. Eternal Grief is too terrible to ponder the havoc—it is to be worked against.

A year ago today we lost Katelynn. We said goodbye in the most permanent way life has to offer, we reminded ourselves of the promises. I wondered how I would live without her, would the pain always be this intense? The answer is yes. It is intense, it is there always and yet somehow we still managed to find breath. Unfortunately we didn’t all die in our sleep that night and unfortunately no large meteor has taken out our household. Life… each day comes and we find ourselves having to do life without her. The habits we have engrained before Katelynn are a comfort to us as we find life’s joys without her. A daily reminder of what we don’t have is before us embodied in the joy we have in Nathaniel and Ailsa, however ominous our sorrow is, our love too moves us forward. When Katelynn died, I had two kids who were experiencing this too. Their testimony has not yet been cast and they look to us. I am left with so much joy and pain mingled together that I have had to find comfort in agony, joy in pain, patience with ignorance of myself and others, and peace in turmoil. Life for us will always be bitter sweet so we must seek for ways to make the bitter teach, the turmoil to remind and for the joy to be eternal.

When Nathaniel and Ailsa ask why did Katelynn die? Why? These are not casual questions. They are not questions I can give them easy answers for; all I can do is tell them of Our Elder Brother, what He has said. The things we each carry here are heavy, but God has made us stronger to carry the burden, with that knowledge I am left with gratitude. Gratitude that through the pain we feel we are finding life’s joys that through the loss of Katelynn we can know, not hope, but know that she is in a wonderful place busy, happy and she too misses us, but in the glory that she sees she is excited for us, just as we would be waiting in some exotic locale for a loved one—she looks around and feels excitement. I don’t want to disappoint her and miss my plane. I don’t want any of my family to miss the plane to this exciting fabulous place we are all going to someday. With any trip one must pack, one must prepare, one must have the funds these things come from hard work, preparation, and sacrifice. We don’t show up at the airport and then be told if we are going to Bali or Cabo. We buy a ticket, we decide where we are going, our flight may get delayed but we choose where we are going. Katelynn’s flight came earlier than I was ready for, I feel like I wasn’t able to pack her bag. Does she know what arrangements we have made for the trip? She does, the travel guide has chosen the itinerary. We are just to go with the plans laid and no one likes a grumpy travel companion. I can pack Nathaniel and Ailsa’s bag, each day I lay something else needed in their case. I pack in mine too. I realize I won’t need some of the things that I thought I would, like diapers, but I do need more patience than I thought. So each day I plan for the future embracing the part that is mine and seek to do it well.

The last 54 days—we can’t help but look back and look at what was a year ago. The dates have significance that before were just other days, that now are seared in my conscious. Left with such a contrast of what was just a year ago, it is shocking at what we hold now. April 1st, May 17th, May 24th, May 30th—each a date that holds a special blessing and a deep loss. I have more feelings of each of these dates than I can briefly express. I am amazed and grateful of the strength of Atonement to hold us through our loss. I am aware of my own lack of perfection and the perfection of a loving Saviour who, when allowed, really will take the burden. I am often asked, “Why are you OK?” There are many reasons why I shouldn’t be sane, but I am. And really I have very little credit that I can claim as mine, what I have done right is to trust Him – the rest is His. I felt opposition like I have rarely known and some people treat me differently. Some are extra nice, others are cruel, and some are just oblivious. Relatively few really ask with sincerity how we are and it is shocking, though few in numbers, at who wants to tear us down. I shouldn’t expect a pass in life from pain, and I don’t but I am still surprised that others would seek to be offended by some nebulous offense, like I give to much eye contact when speaking, or didn’t say they were great enough, or I had the gall to propose we get together sometime… are there really those who would kick someone when they are down? It seems so. I am left asking myself if I am more kind to those in pain, or are my judgments too harsh?

We have never felt such a contrast of overwhelming support and so alone as we have this last year. Our friends have surrounded us with support that is amazing. We have had to find the faith to endure in not getting what we want. Yet there is peace with what is… God has a plan, and little by little He lets us in on another piece.