Katelynn's first birthday!

10am: decorating with brother and sister pink cupcakes very top heavy.

Noon: Lunch at Primary Children’s Hospital

1pm: Playing Primary children’s playroom.

2pm: In the angel garden singing happy birthday to Katelynn with her doctors and nurses (Nathaniel’s’ idea—how sweet is that!) Presents from Katelynn for Nathaniel and Ailsa.

5pm: Balloon release at Katelynn’s resting place – 54 balloons for the days we had her.

6pm: Hot soup at our house

6:30pm: Cake with lots of friends about 30 friends came by to celebrate with us—and it was a celebration, of friendship, blessings and joy that Katelynn brought.

Today was happy. We didn’t stand around sad about Katelynn. We had a daylong party The kids can’t wait until Katelynn’s next birthday!

Only you can prevent forest fires:

Katelynn would be one… what would be and what is, so apart in their contrast. I have been told in time that it won’t bleed. This individual had lost a child ten years prior, the wound for them now doesn’t pulsate it is not a hemorrhaging pain. It always hurts but joy can be felt again. That the constant feeling of loss is there, the ache both physical and emotional tugs at me, even in moments of simple pleasure the thoughts of what we planned on are always there and it hurts deeply-- only those who have lost a child can understand this level of hurt. I don’t mean to insult or exclude those who feel the loss of a parent or grandparent, but almost universally every parent of an angel I talk to is amazed that others tell them, “I understand how you feel, I lost my father, grandfather, mother. . .” the list goes on, but it is not the same. Both Nathan and I lost a grandparent the year before Katelynn. It was sad, we felt the remorse of time gone, opportunities lost, but we celebrated their life lived well. With the death of a child there is no feeling of completing the journey. It is the incompleteness of death that nags so viciously at each moment that is where the hemorrhaging comes in. Death makes us bleed, a wound leaves a mark, but constant blood loss is deadly, it is cause for alarm. We understand the gravity of the medical situation with no medical training hemorrhaging is a scary thing. People say to me, “I can’t imagine the loss of a child.” Sometimes I want to respond with “nor can I.” The loss is so intense it carries with it a destructive force. It is hard to comprehend continuing to breath let alone living a life of joy. After Katelynn’s passing, I knew death was so permanent, so intense and the pain of my prior losses, of Winnie, my grandmother- figure who died when I was eight, I miss her and think of her on special days. The recent death of my grandfather and I’m remembering working on his sheep ranch, remembering the lessons he taught, the stories, the peaceful silence. The loss of our pregnancies, the babies that we never held, the baby medicine refers to as fetus, its look not yet as a child at just over three months along. Seven miscarriages; their loss rocked my womanly heart so wrapped in the pain that I almost hardened under the pressure of the angst. My encounters with death both prepared me and alarmed me with the encompassing sorrow I now faced. Like a wildfire burning all in its path, the idea of a fresh growth too far away to ease the destruction that comes. It may seem for us who witness a burning to say it is best for the land, but for that rabbit, that tree, if they could feel as we do, are not comforted that a seedling may come to sprout, that other rabbits and deer will be in a growing forest. It may seem trite but only I can prevent the fires in my life. I let this fire burn and it will destroy everything I am, everything and everyone around me. All past joy, future joy and all goodness that could come from the life of Katelynn.

I watch a TV show, the characters had gone through a terrible divorce, in Book of Mormon language they lived riotous living, this radical shift in their behavior was all explained. They had a child, the child died. Thus the characters in large part died too. In most of these scripts they have no other children.

I have two other children. Could my love and loss of Katelynn lead to a wildfire of destruction in their life? The death of their sister possibly lead to a conversation like this: “What happened? Why is your mom a nut job?” And it all is explained with a shrug, an accepted fact by all wiped away in some mutual understanding we give the justifiably crazy because she lost her child to death? So probable a scenario, and I am the only one in control of my decision… I choose to not destroy the future and eternity of my other two children.