I imagine a field—the aroma of the outdoors overwhelms me. I combine in this image all the most beautiful scenes I have witnessed—I imagine Katelynn there now as she joins those I love whom I have lost, the children I lost in pregnancy. She stands among them now in all her regality she has earned in living not just a noble life, but in the divinity she brought with her when she came to join our family. We were unsuspecting of the miracle that was coming to us, she has changed us forever--we are thankful.

When I was a kid there was this spot on the front lawn where we had pulled out a small tree, it left a void in the ground, the grass grew and hid the spot, but when you ran in the yard you would find it. Sometimes it hurt a little when hit at the wrong angle… I learned to avoid that divot in the lawn. Life is full of things like that: I learned to avoid them. We learn areas that will bring us pain such as bad choices that will hurt us. We are human and as we gain wisdom, we guide ourselves through our lives, we all do the best we can. Yet there are painful situations you can’t avoid and given the choice would you? The last 54 days with all that pain, the worry and the emptiness that now will be with me the rest of my life, I would not have avoided the pain that came with bringing Katelynn into our lives and into our hearts. We are changed forever, and I don’t want to be the same person I was: we have been changed for the better. So going back to my beautiful field where I imagine Katelynn now plays, runs and laughs—pain free. She misses us, but she is visiting so often, last night as I lay in bed, more tired than I have ever been. my motherly arms aching. I felt comforted—and sleep came.

In every field there are rocks, they hide among the flowers and lush grasses—at times running through the field we may stub our toes. If you dig around the rock, you will find more rocks, and under them it is dark and dirty— these are my angry spots. They can hurt me if I decide to run into them with each step. If I fixate on them, dig around them, I will make them bigger. Instead, I look at them tucked in amongst all the beauty of my field with Katelynn, and label them for what they are. I hate that time was so short, I hate that I have physical problems from my pregnancy that will outlast my daughter's mortal life. As hard as these things are, they could only be avoided if I choose not to get pregnant with what became my girl, my baby. Yes, there are things in life we can choose in wisdom to avoid, but there are things that, given all the wisdom of God, are placed before us, and are to be embraced. So, my beautiful field remains, the rocks of anger will be there, but I will not dig around them letting the dirt around them stain my fingers. I will remember how they are tucked in so tightly—if I examine them enough, and dig them up, I will have to tear out the beautiful green around them. The trick in life is to see our hurt spots and not let them fester: tearing at them destroys the good around them. Yes, I am angry that my daughter has been taken from me, I am angry I have to hold my crying four-year-old as she cries for her sister to ‘live with us, now.” But in order to remove them from my field would be to remove the good. But the good is too sweet and it is an eternal joy that I will work the rest of my life to savor and the greatest part will then be-- living eternally, together as a family.

Katelynn's Funeral will be this Saturday May 30th at 10amLDS Church meetinghouse at 11685 Kestrel Rise Rd. South Jordan Utah 84095